Okay, okay…I know this isn’t original with me, but I can’t remember where I first read it or who first wrote it. So a global “HT” to whichever genius it was who thought this one up.
That said, it’s utterly hilarious…and painfully close to the truth.
I know the subject of the stimulus package has received much press. Many of Americans are confused about it. Please allow me to attempt to lift any confusion:
Subject: Stimulus Payment Info.
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic
Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment??
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless junk it will go to Taiwan
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, tattoos, or going to a baseball game, since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.
mikescape 
January 30, 2009 at 9:22 am
I have always thought that the so called “stimulus” check was bogus. For 10 years I lived in poverty, only working minimum wage jobs with no benefits, also my husband. We both went back to school in order to better our situation. We moved. After working barely 2 1/2 years, he was laid off for more than 3 years. I tried to talk to the student loan people, but they were very rude and snotty and I gave up. To make a long story short, I went into default. I was working 2 jobs which barely covered my rent, etc. Some collection company which sprang up in the last few years bought my loan for pennies to the dollar. Their first priority was to increase the total amount of my debt by twice and then to tack on even more INTEREST fees which are compounded. I don’t mind not getting my tax refunds for the last 9 years. I do mind getting notices for some phantom “stimulus” checks that I never receive. My husband and I are almost 60 years old. I didn’t realize that although I received an education with a stellar gpa, our ages would count against us when looking for work. He has a fairly decent job and pays out half in taxes and loan repayment. I have earned exactly $11.28/hr after 8 years working as a Para in a school district. Not only does the “stimulus” check stimulate some other economy, the so called “stimulus” check does not stimulate us at all. It does stimulate the collection agency each time.
January 30, 2009 at 9:27 am
The “economic stimulus” is in reality nothing more than an outworking of Keynesian economics – which is itself one very short step removed from outright fascism.
January 31, 2009 at 1:51 am
After all that has happened since the economic collapse I would like to see the stimulus money be paid for required economics and American history classes for our law makers. I never realized how completely inept the men and women we have elected to run our country and states are. I know as much or more about economics than these guys. I would like to see our nation pass some requirements also for those who would be allowed to run for election at all levels. There are requirements that must be met for most jobs that people apply for, shouldn’t the government have stiff requirements for those who would even be be considered.
Our president said he didn’t do well in high school and didn’t get anything out of college. That should qualify him to bag groceries and perform at the Improv (only because he is so charismatic).
February 3, 2009 at 3:48 am
Pure plagiarism of Dave Barry, Miami Herald April 2008. Give him credit.
February 3, 2009 at 6:07 am
Chill out, Bunk. I’d gotten this unattributed in e-mail and didn’t know its source – hence the somewhat prominent statement in the beginning
February 3, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Sorry, didn’t mean to sound so snippy.